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Post by Rubberneck on Jan 29, 2005 17:15:53 GMT -5
hey, i was just curious if anyone would care to comment and/or give suggestions and/or straight contribute to some lyrics that i am trying to write. i've been playing guitar for 3 years, and writing songs since day 1, but i have never completed a single song with both lyrics and music. so now that i estimate i probably have about 30 songs written or in the works, i figure i should probably try to finalize one or two of them.
anyways, i only have 8 lines for this song, and i'm just not sure what direction i want to take the song. the message behind the lines i have is fairly broad, so i'm thinking maybe it should be a chorus and with the verses i would want to tell a story to which the morals of the chorus would apply, but i suck at song writing. please give me your opinions on what i have so far (not much i know) and recommend what direction you might think the song should go. if you think you have something that may go well with the lines i have, or you want to write something, just post it here when you have it or message me. also, what kind of music do you think of when you read these lyrics? i'll shut up and post them now...
Think before you speak
You're words, they mean nothing
Beauty's only skin deep
When seen from shallow waters
And this shoreline runs for miles
But it can't escape the tides
So open your eyes or drown in your pride
This world waits for no one
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Post by Rubberneck on Jan 30, 2005 0:01:13 GMT -5
8 views and no replies? is it that bad? c'mon...i know you are a more critical/opionated bunch than this...take 5 seconds and describe it in a haiku at least.
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Post by DigitalDwarf on Jan 30, 2005 1:20:36 GMT -5
Haiku it is
I read the old rit.
your lyrics are like rank shit.
Destroy what I made.
naw, really, I like them. It kinda reminds me of sparta type music. Probably because they sing about water and stuff and about emotions.
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Post by soniktruth on Jan 30, 2005 1:43:45 GMT -5
Haiku it is I read the old rit. your lyrics are like rank shit. Destroy what I made. naw, really, I like them. It kinda reminds me of sparta type music. Probably because they sing about water and stuff and about emotions. DD is an asshole!! very insensitive... |
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Post by CoKeS on Jan 30, 2005 4:30:29 GMT -5
Think before you speak
You're words, they mean nothing
Beauty's only skin deep
When seen from shallow waters
And this shoreline runs for miles
But it can't escape the tides
So open your eyes or drown in your pride
This world waits for no one
You should realize that you're all alone
So before the water fills your lungs,
Make peace with the things you have done
Or drown thinking about the 'what if's?'
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Post by Rubberneck on Jan 30, 2005 12:32:54 GMT -5
haha, dwarf, kudos for the haiku. thanks for the input, and cokes, thanks for the input and time it takes to think of some words. if you're anything like me, it takes you about two hours to put down a single linel...but i have a feeling most people aren't like me.
so DD thinks it has a sparta feel to it, which i can see, and Cokes seems to take it a little more in the emo direction perhaps, which could easily be done with the original eight lines. anyone else?
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Post by tremulant on Jan 30, 2005 13:41:05 GMT -5
Wow, I could never write lyrics, sorry man. No help here.
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Post by hotpants on Jan 30, 2005 22:43:37 GMT -5
you did a good job, i like what you have so far. i love the 3rd line, Beauty's only skin deep. i did pick up a sparta feel to it as i was reading. it takes me a while too, when i'm writing. i try to make everything perfect and smooth
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Post by motherprussia on Jan 31, 2005 1:12:04 GMT -5
zach, you go to my school, i'm an english major, i have a band in which i write all the lyrics, and you didn't come to me first? i'm hurt, man...
but really...let's see...
Just one little word
Crawled under my ribs
Said with such ease--
Another day at the office
Here's your cup of coffee
And here's a stale donut
Leave me to my business
Before you get stuck in it
Think before you speak
Youre words, they mean nothing
Beauty's only skin deep
When seen from shallow waters
And this shoreline runs for miles
But it can't escape the tides
So open your eyes or drown in your pride
This world waits for no one
(eh, i don't know, not really my style but it's something)
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Post by Castro on Jan 31, 2005 8:12:17 GMT -5
Wow, I could never write lyrics, sorry man. No help here. ditto. i cant even try cuz i dont really appreciate lyrics as much as some |
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Post by Rubberneck on Jan 31, 2005 11:08:14 GMT -5
kyle, i only didn't come to you first because you tried to brush me off that day i ran into you outside of the WTHR building (i won't even try to spell it out). i was so hurt that i went home and wept myself to sleep while listening to avril lavigne on repeat.
but back to reality (ok, so i still listened to avril), you were first to come to mind, and i know you frequent the board...so cut me some slack or face my reclining squirrel kung-fu technique! i really like the imagery portrayed from the line "crawled under my ribs" and infact it has inspired me to start a new thread. what kind of feel do you think it has as far as the sound of the music that would accompany it? thanks for your time, kind sir.
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Post by bittersweet on Jan 31, 2005 18:00:42 GMT -5
hiya...yes, it was good...and i write lyrics all the time, just not music hahaha...i was going to say something about finding different words to convey things....i dont know how to explain...like with beauty is only skin deep, thats been heard a million times, but if you conveyed that message with different words...the piece might fit you a little better....
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Post by motherprussia on Jan 31, 2005 18:26:21 GMT -5
yeah, that beauty is skin deep thing is a bit cliche, but any writer has to basically start out writing cliches to learn how not to write...if that makes any sense...and then you'll learn how to say things and see things in a different light...
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Post by Rubberneck on Jan 31, 2005 21:05:45 GMT -5
actually, that is supposed to be cliche...now i am going to sound like a smartass...but it is intentionally cliche and i used it BECAUSE it's been heard for ages. but the only reason i used it is because the very next line turns it completely around...maybe it didn't have the desired effect...i assume that the "seen from shallow waters" part actually got across...right?
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Post by bittersweet on Jan 31, 2005 22:46:39 GMT -5
hmm. i didnt mean for you to take it as me attacking your writing or anything. as i said, i quite like it. do you have anything else youve written?
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Post by bittersweet on Jan 31, 2005 22:48:02 GMT -5
hmm. i didnt mean for you to take it as me attacking your writing or anything. as i said, i quite like it. do you have anything else youve written? and yes, the seen from shallow water part got across...and i get ya motherprussia  |
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Post by motherprussia on Feb 1, 2005 1:25:00 GMT -5
actually, that is supposed to be cliche...now i am going to sound like a smartass...but it is intentionally cliche and i used it BECAUSE it's been heard for ages. but the only reason i used it is because the very next line turns it completely around...maybe it didn't have the desired effect...i assume that the "seen from shallow waters" part actually got across...right? haha, we're all just experts aren't we? but i see what you're saying, and i would have to say that it doesn't have the desired effect on me...i think you're trying to say something more profound than what you've written... |
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Post by Rubberneck on Feb 1, 2005 3:21:02 GMT -5
well what the fuck do you think you are, kyle, an english major? my astounding since of humor aside, bitter, don't appologize. you offered constructive criticism which is what i asked for, i just don't know how to take it yet. i suck at writing and it takes me ages to try to piece together a few words that i don't feel that i have heard dozens of times the day prior.
i write music, and i would like to think that the range and quality of the stuff i write is somewhat unusual (more so the range) than people of my age and experience, but that is probably because i am an egotistical, self-centered twat. moral of the story is: lyrics are not my bag of tea, i'm just giving it a try for the hell of it. i'll continue to post clips and phrases as they come up.
here's something i thought of while walking across the river to get some doughnuts the other night...
We carefully place our steps within
The footprints of our ancestors
And bury yesterday's history
In the pages of the past
Swept beneath the ruins of
The faulty towers crumbling
And underneath the influence
of Impudence devine
...and of course i never finish my works. this one has an anti-bush feel to it. i kind of like it so far...opinions?
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Post by bittersweet on Feb 1, 2005 18:10:13 GMT -5
hey, that was pretty good, and for not being good with lyrics, youre doing just fine. you have the makings of an excellent writer. it reminds me of stare at the sun by thrice, the way you talked about ancestors and history. since you said you never finish what you write, just write down little phrases and stick em together randomly. worked for other writers (bands  ) make it work for you. and anything anti bush is gonna be good. check this out: It's hard to grasp hands when our velocity races terminal And gravity just won't allow Eyes are turned upward Drowning in light pollution Whistling toward something we realize we don't want anymore. Just breathing makes us shallow and conformed It's only desperation soaked through the skin at this point We won't need to breathe where we're going, Love... Time is symmetrical, imperfected. There's nothing symmetrical about the way we've spread ourselves now A lifetime of pain, the apex at the top of that building Where we still stand to watch And view the masterpiece only 77 stories of hard times Can splash across the sidewalk In such a way You'd think Picasso** himself painted our demise... |
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Post by motherprussia on Feb 2, 2005 1:08:52 GMT -5
much better zach...but you know...faulty towers...i hope you know that was an awesome show with john clease and not just an atdi lyric...
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Post by Rubberneck on Feb 2, 2005 3:29:29 GMT -5
...it didn't even come to me that it was an atdi lyric. ok, its out...i didn't even know it and i'm apparently a subconscious hack. and now for something completely different, any show with john clease is destined to be awesome.
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Post by Rubberneck on Feb 4, 2005 0:51:40 GMT -5
...and shameless self-bump
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) make it work for you. and anything anti bush is gonna be good. check this out: